Ambivalence
by mirai3k
Summary: Ambivalence: The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings towards a person. [SnapeSinistra drabbleseries]
1. Ambivalence?

_**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. HP is JKR's and scattered references are made to the Diaries/Lamentations series. Go to my faves and check em out if you haven't done so already!_

_**A/N:** Just when I feared that my interest in HP fanfic was subtly dying, I happened to discover the crazy amazing world of Snape/Sinistra! Al the credit goes to She's a Star and Gedia Kacela for their Lamentations/Diaries that had me dying for this sardonic pair. I never knew that the Hogwarts faculty could be so insane and hilarious! __Anyway, these will be written with alternating POV per drabble (for the most part unless I forget this rule, which is likely to happen) and they are in no particular chronological order and will probably be very random since I am totally in love with this ship right now and don't care how I write them as long as I write them and yeah, even post-HBP, I haven't stop shipping them, although these were written months before. And the definition for ambivalence in the summary is courtesy of _

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For a greasy little git with insecurities that he'd rather have died than acknowledged and a fear of baths, it seemed, his character—or perhaps, lack thereof—could often have surprised you.

For her, it was always difficult. Difficult to bite back an insult and even more difficult to save her face when he'd give her a squelch of a retort.

Nevertheless, the temptation to bicker with Severus Snape never got old or stale. The words exchange left her feeling dismal and boiled her blood every bloody time, and yet, her day would not be complete without them.

It was an odd sort of bond they shared. The I-hit-you-and-you-hit-me-back cycle seemed to go on ceaselessly and would go on like this eternally.

One could perhaps have even called it an extreme sort of ambivalence, had the word not implied a notion of mutual love as well as mutual hatred because most of the time, there was no love lost between the two as there was no love to start with. The frequently-shattered flasks in his study—courtesy of Auriga Sinistra—as well as the ruined star charts in _her_ study were proof of that.

This history went far back, and the glassware-shatterings and the starchart-sabotagings did likewise. This war had started long before their days as colleagues because the first time the two had exchanged words had not been pleasant, especially because at the time, they had been fourteen.

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_**A/N: **Review! Review! next one's longer!_


	2. The Closest Thing

_Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. _

_**A/N: **ah yes, I know it's been ages but university really knows how to bog a girl down with work. Thanks for the reviews on the last chap!_

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Once, she had been sixteen: witty, insolent, and bound to be a success. Why she hung out with the likes of him—with a slimy loner like him who was hated by just about everyone—he'd never know, but she did it anyway and everyone knew that there was more to it than being a rebel.

Although most Ravenclaws were generally liked by everyone, Auriga Sinistra had a knack for wreaking havoc in her earlier days that only a few could see through. She was quite attractive at sixteen, chocolate eyes and auburn hair, wild and free and in love with the stars and the night sky. After all, mighty Sirius Black did not fancy just any girl—nevermind that they had only lasted two and a half weeks, still it had been one hell of a record for Sirius Black, not to mention for Sinistra herself.

Either way, it was no secret that Ravenclaw was the wrong house for her. Nevertheless, it was probably for the best that she had not been a Gryffindor because _they_ generally abhorred the Slytherins—and that's not to say that she didn't abhor Snape _most_ of the time—but if you were a Gryffindor, you made a silent vow to abhor the pure-blooded house _all_ of the time, and if she had ever said that she abhorred Severus Snape _all of the time_, you might've believed it once in a while if you ever saw the two together go at it with their wands like there was no tomorrow (not as violently as Potter and Snape though), but despite those convincing displays, it wasn't really the truth.

She had never exactly been what one would call 'friendly' with Severus, but they had a _way_ with one another and you could tell that from a mile away. He could twist her emotions and dare her to do this and that and she'd obey albeit reluctantly.

She could make him do her Potions homework—which he did with a frequent sneer and an occasional "_Pathetic Sinistra, and you call yourself a Ravenclaw?"_—and she could make him lower his wand from James Potter even when kind little Lily Evans went ignored. He knew all this and had hated her for it but could generally do nothing to change it because at the time, she was probably the closest thing he had to a friend.

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_**A/N: **thanks for reading…please review!_


	3. More Than Ninety Percent

_Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. _

_**A/N: **I love how I contradict myself. I just told someone today how I was on a HP hiatus and well, what-dya-know? I update an HP fic. Well, I've stopped overanalyzing these little drabbles and I thought I might as well post em as they are or they'll just die in the depth of my lost files_

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While sipping firewhiskey in The Hog's Head during their Hogwarts days, she'd often laugh at his hair and tell him to wash it and he'd make a rash but scathing comeback about something or other that bothered her immensely. They'd end up pretending to forget it all following a hanging silence because the score had been settled and there was no use in disturbing the waters again just yet.

Firewhiskey was a dangerous thing though. They'd get numbed by it and be prone to saying all these stupid things one would never imagine saying when sober. Even someone as stiff as Snape would loosen up a little, but only a little because he'd wisely decide not to sit around for too long at a place when he was drunk and unfortunately he never got drunk enough to give her too much to blackmail him with.

Blackmail was a funny, mutual thing between them, and she'd sometimes smirk at the thought of it. They were a more brutal pair than Sirius and Bellatrix Black when it came to blackmail because, after all, you can only hurt your own blood so much before you realize what you're doing—but then again, wasn't it Bellatrix that had killed Sirius in the end?

No one liked to think about that bit because even though Bellatrix was a ruthless brat at sixteen, she wasn't a killer and it would've been nearly impossible to imagine her in hooded black robes, torturing countless innocent mudblood witches and wizards.

But then again, you could probably have said the same about Severus Snape. She shuddered at the thought of it.

Looking back, it was nearly impossible to describe the expression on Auriga Sinistra's face when Dumbledore had seated a pallid, dark-haired man beside her at the staff table about a year or so after the deaths of James and Lily Potter. She never would have recognized him had it not been for that characteristic nose and _those eyes_.

_He had reformed?_ Those were ludicrous words to everyone's ears and she knew that she was probably the only one praying they were true—only one besides Dumbledore anyway, who needn't have prayed as he was so convinced to start with. Everyone else wanted Snape out and wanted nothing to do with him, and more than ninety percent of the time, she did too.

It was always more than ninety percent negativity, even when they were sixteen and drunk and moping about their lives—or rather she was the one moping and he would mumble something here or there, not really trying to be comforting either—just mumble to make her shut up usually. Funny how you could even become oddly attached to someone constantly telling you to shut it.

And how could she forget…even that one day when she broke away from him, not remembering who had started the kiss in the first place, there was more than ninety percent angst and hatred and bitterness inside. She had staggered back to the school in the dark, dripping from the rain and probably drunk—or so she liked to think—and when she had gotten up the next morning, she laughed hysterically and endlessly for over a good ten minutes with all her dorm-mates looking at her as if she'd gone mental.

Even more astounding than the fact that she had _kissed_ Severus Snape in the rain last night was the fact that he wasn't as horrible a kisser as she had imagined him to be. And yes, she _had _imagined it thoroughly, more than once as well, but the real thing—she would have to confess—was dangerously close to remarkable, breathtaking, unforgettable…

_Oh wow, Sinistra, now they'll really think you lost it…_

But sometimes in life, it didn't matter what they thought. In those moments, nothing really mattered at all.

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_**A/N: **thanks for reading and I love reviews :hint hint: _:P


	4. Words and Scars

_Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. _

_**A/N: **been a while, I know, but I still adore these two far too much to give up. Writer's block and other writing projects like original fiction and other fandoms have kept me occupied (when I'm not suffering from the wretched block ). Anywho, here we are (next one will be longer, promise):_

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More than once, she'd seen him subconsciously reach for his forearm, knowing what was underneath those dark sleeves. Only once though, had she gathered the courage—or was it only her recklessness and haste?—to grab his forearm herself when he reached for it without realizing it. He had jerked away quite harshly and not spoken to her for a week.

"I was only trying to help," she had muttered a week following the incident.

"Then I strongly suggest you stop trying," he had replied through clenched teeth, and then whipped around and walked away as always.

Yes, she should have been infuriated, and normally, wanting to claw his eyes out would have been the most natural feeling following such an exchange, however today, Auriga Sinistra was for some reason far too tired to give him a daily dose of antagonism. Today, she seemed to think something else entirely:

_Well seven words were better than none. _

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_**A/N: **thanks for reading…please review!_


	5. Grey

_Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. _

_**A/N: **and again…after forever. I swear, I'm so unaware of this fandom now but these two are still LOVE!_

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She wasn't even that old and they were actually less than a few years within each other's ages but her hair had started greying whereas his was still raven black and it was no secret that he had lived a much worse life than she had.

The past few years at Hogwarts had deadened her. She'd lost her laughter and more or less lost her charm. Now she'd absorb herself in starcharts, lesson plans, and trashy romance novels in which some high and mighty wizard was always lusting after a common young witch. A few times she sank as low as reading muggle romances but she found them horribly repetitive with their lack of characterization and affairs occurring in the office of a high and mighty boss.

This pointless reading really was a habit she needed to break and it was rather depressing when she'd come to think of her own life in contrast. Forget high and mighty, even the likes of Hagrid would probably not be attracted to her—well that could be because he was half-giant—but fine, even the likes of Severus Snape would probably not see more in her now than a puff of hair, faltering conversation, and that constant glumness that hung over her head. Or perhaps, it wasn't as depressing as she originally thought because she couldn't think of many things that Snape was attracted to that did not relate to the Dark Arts and what not. Perhaps the poor man was asexual, or had become one as of late, but that couldn't be. She remembered perfectly well that although he had always been a cold, unfeeling bastard (over ninety percent of the time anyway), he had subtly made it clear—what an oxymoron!—that she meant something to him.

Or was that during their schooldays, decades ago?

Or had she been dreaming? Very likely.

Whatever. It required too much thinking, something she didn't have time for presently.

But despite even that, she would still think about it—think about him—more often than she considered healthy.

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_**A/N: **thanks for reading…please review!_


	6. See Through You

_Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. _

_**A/N: **__cookies to anyone who's still following this? _XD

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"I know you're faking it."

"Faking what?" he asked in a bored, you're-being-a-pain-again fashion.

"All the while you roll your eyes at me and try and get me to leave you alone even though we both know that you really don't want me gone."

"You're delusional," he said unconvincingly.

"And you've lost your touch as a superb liar. Good think you're no spy right now and a teacher because legilimency wouldn't even be necessary to read you now."

"Then what am I thinking, Auriga?" he asked fiercely.

"I'm not sure you're ready to hear it out loud," she shot him a brief wry smile and left.

What did the batty woman mean anyway?

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	7. With Faith

_Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. _

_A/N: ooh…NOT a massive pause between updates for once. And one day, they will be longer, I swear!_

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She has just taught the first year Slytherins, and of course, _of course, _her star charts are left all over the place and the equipment is in disarray and sometimes she thinks that the other staff members are not wrong when they mock her leniency in her teaching practices.

Dumbledore still sticks up for her though, _at least_, perhaps because he does not have much of a hard heart in his own chest, she supposes. And she is reminded of the fact every time she sees Severus Snape in all his dark and dreary glory, scholar's robes and all, because only a man like Dumbledore would ever hire a man like Snape to _teach_, and to teach _children_ at that. And in a place like _Hogwarts_.

…_safest school in the witching world? What a joke!_

Still…sometimes…she feels that she should thank the old man.

For believing in her.

And certain others...

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